Lost and found and lost again

I have had a weird life. I have been taken from my mother. I have been brought to a children’s home, I have been with foster parents. I used to be bullied, and I used to take it. So… that all resulted in a fucked up little teen that had no idea what he was worth, who he was and what he was capable of.

And so I blew up. I got lost. I got lost in the world of weed, I got lost in the world of gambling. I got eventually lost on the streets.

I like the streets. I never felt the urge to “get square” and live in a home. I liked the freedom, the loneliness. I don’t really need people around me. In fact, most of the times I rather be alone.

But in the end I think my principles and morals took over and since I am actually pretty smart (or so they say) I decided that a change was in order around my 25^th birthday. And so I began to “socialize” {brrr} and lo and behold, I garnered some friends. Most of them where just “friends” but a few have become long time real friends.

This all happened around a few freezing cold years in a town where there was not enough shelter for all those sleeping outside. Long story short (you can find the long story on my blog) we founded a night shelter and I became a member of the board and I basically ran the nights. (in person, weeks on end, without free days lol)

It is there that I found my Purpose, my Light, my Goddess and Queen. And I didn’t see it.
It was by pure luck I heard her say she always would have liked to get a love letter. It must have been the weed that said to me “write”. But it was destiny that you agreed to try if we could fit together.
I was found

It took me a whole whopping two months before I decided that this was the girl I wanted to spend my life with. I asked her the first time when we were both tripping out on mushrooms, no joke. I had gone on my knees (I think, not sure if my knees where still attached to my body at that point) and said, and I remember this still as if it was yesterday “Lijda, I am in a trip but I am gonna ask you something. Now if we go to bed in a few and we wake up, remind me to ask again…. Will you marry me”. She said no

NAAAAH…. She said yes 😛 And she didn’t remind me the next morning because I woke up before her and was on my knees the moment she opened her eyes. I asked her if she remembered what I said the evening before and she nodded yes. I asked again “Will you marry me”. And sure enough the answer remained the same…. Yes.

It took exactly 3 years and 1 day before we actually got married, counting from the moment she read the initial letter. In those 3 years we didn’t have a single fight. She married in red, I was in white. The colors of our town. It was her dream wedding, it was the best day of her life and those are her words.

Of course, if you have a girlfriend, you can not let her stay in shelters or on the streets, I have standards you know. So we had managed to get of the streets and live the “normal” live. And all was good

For a few years that is. In hindsight it all started well before our marriage. Lijda got yellow eyes and the doctor suspected tuberculosis. But tests proved negative and the yellow eyes disappeared. Then, shortly after we got married, Lijda started getting pain while walking. At first we didn’t really pay attention but when it got worse we went to a doctor. Tests got done, nothing was found. Time went by, walking deteriorated and Lijda had to start using a wheelchair. Tests where done, things investigated, scans made… nothing was found.

Her condition stabilized at a certain point, still tests where done, still nothing found and Lijda said stop. No more tests it is what it is now, I deal with it. This went well for a good 10 years. We lived quite happy in our apartment, I took care of the daily stuff and helped Lijda with things like shower and toilet and twice a week a nurse came to help me a bit with that.

Then 2016 happened. One morning in March I tried to wake Lijda and she hardly responded. She was also very hot, and not in the good way. So I called an ambulance. After bringing her temp down Lijda was rushed to the hospital where they suspected a urinary tract infection and after 2 weeks of hospital care they gave the word that she could go home. Lijda and I both where like “excuse me, no she/I can’t”
She was send home anyways, this was a Saturday.

Next Sunday morning, Lijda woke up and had to go to the toilet. This was an exercise we normally do in about 5 minutes (to get her there). It took me almost one hour to even get her in her chair. There was no action in her legs or lower body whatsoever. So I called the ambulance again and the paramedics also got to the conclusion, she needs to be admitted again. That was the last time Lijda would be home with me.

We found a nursing home that had a spot and could take her. It has been our most difficult and heartbreaking decision. You don’t want to be apart but you know that being together is no longer an option. Thankfully the nursing home was excellent and only had one real drawback. It was 26km (little over 16 miles) away from me. And I don’t have a car… or even drivers license.

So I had to get on the bike or the train. Both would take me roughly the same amount of time and since one of the options doesn’t cost money…. On the bike I went. At least during spring, summer and most of fall. I had a beautiful route through a forest and a few tiny villages so it was no punishment.

4 years I did that drive. Every time I went there I saw Lijda’s face light up. Every meter on that bike was worth it. I would gladly have driven that 40 more years. People often say to me how they respect that I did that, how strong I was. To those I say thank you, but you are wrong. It is not strength or respect that had me drive there. When she lived there I had but one “job”… Loving her, being there for her. Letting her know that even we are apart, we are one. It is love that fueled my legs.

October 15^th, this all changed. I lost the one I love most. I am lost again.

A plea for help

Dear readers and friends

Unfortunately my dear wife Lijda passed away on October 15th. I have had the honor and pleasure of being her husband for 21 years and her best friend for 24 years. Before I tell you something about us, first the reason for my request for help. Due to circumstances we have always had to live on a budget, but we had at least taken out a good funeral insurance. Or so we thought. During the planning of the funeral, the funeral company assured me every time that I did not have to worry and that everything I wanted for her was possible. I made it clear several times that the grave monument was important, so that money had to be left over for it. Now I have received the bill for the funeral (without a monument, that always comes later) and miraculously it is EXACTLY the amount to be paid by the insurance. Ergo … I have to pay for the monument out of my own pocket. I myself am in the Wajong, I am 100% deemed disabled for work. I’m running out of savings, glad I have a dime to spend most days. I do have something to spend, but after “shopping” for a monument, the fact is that I am a good 2000 euros short. So that’s what I’m looking for. Now something about Lijda and me. It clarifies a little more about how and why.
I met Lijda in 1996 in Utrecht, where we both come from, she was a client in the night shelter where I worked night shifts. We both walked “on the street” for a good 15 years, but it was the N.O.I.Z in Utrecht where we met at the end of those years .. I absolutely didn’t like her. She was loud, present, busy. All the things that I wasn’t and it also disrupted my quiet night shifts In retrospect I think I just told myself I didn’t like her. It is because I heard her talking to a friend one evening, this friend had received a love letter and Lijda sighed that she would like it too. I don’t know what got into me, but I made a decision that would change my life, I wrote a very honest “love letter” that night.

I mentioned in that letter that I had heard it and that she should therefore not take the letter too seriously, but here it was. Then I went to work with every cliche you can think of. That her eyes were as blue as the deepest sea (they’re brown), That she had beautiful blonde hair (she’s a brunette) and things like that. Finally, I wrote that although she knew the reason for the letter, we “of course always had to try”. To my surprise, she agreed. A few months later I proposed to her and on June 11, 1999, we got married in what I hope was the best day of her life.
A little guy doesn’t let his girlfriend out on the street so pretty soon after we “started dating” we knocked on the door of the different institutions to get off the street. After a few years, we moved to our own apartment through various projects and temporary housing options and everything was fine. But then Lijda suddenly had trouble walking. It just got tiring at first, then painful too, and this kept getting worse. Of course there were many visits to the doctor and hospital, but what bothered her? Jiist may know. MRI, CAT, DNA, everything was pulled out of the closet but the only “diagnosis” one could make is that she was “bothered by something”. What was clear at one point was that Lijda had to walk in a wheelchair from now on.

In the years that followed, we managed to get by as best we could. For me it was of course giving informal care, home help came into play and neighborhood care kept an eye on things. Until about 4 years ago this went pretty well until Lijda contracted a urinary tract infection and was taken to the hospital with a wailing siren. I don’t know if this triggered anything in her system, but it was the end of living at home. Lijda went to a nursing home at the LdH. It’s the toughest decision we’ve ever had to make.
Things went quite well in the nursing home. She made friends, participated in activities, and even went on a holiday week. I came by a few times a week for a few hours and although she naturally preferred to go home again, she was quite there. And then the pandemic started. spoiler, no, Lijda did not die of covid 19. What the pandemic did was prevent me from coming for a few months. We spoke by phone and skype, but that is different. I had the idea that Lijda was declining, but it was not possible to say with certainty through those channels.
After almost 4 months it was finally allowed again and I went there again. But Lijda was tired quickly and after an hour she wanted to go to bed. The next time she was already in bed. The third time I was told that Lijda had a fever. She was put on antibiotics but the fever remained. This took a while until one evening Lijda rose to 40.2. She had to go to hospital right away.

Lijda was brought to the Meander in Amersfoort (the nursing home is in Baarn) and treatment was started to bring down the fever. The fever did not go down. Scans, blood tests etc etc … no diagnosis. People could begin to rule out things. After a little more than a day it was decided that Lijda had to go to the IC and put him in an artificial coma. She was intubated and put on medication, anything to get the fever out. Fortunately, after three days the fever went down and it was planned to wake her up. Lijda did not wake up. Again investigations were done and she was given time to wake up on her own. The sleep medication had been discontinued altogether so that should happen eventually.
Meanwhile, the neurologist had a suspect. Neuroleptic Malignam Syndrome. A rare side effect of anti-psychotic drugs. However, this cannot be tested. Medication was administered and we are waiting. And finally, on October 12, she woke up. A little bit, and in short periods, but my mommy was back. The doctors decided that October 14 would be the day she could go off the ventilator.

October 14 came and the time had come. The ventilator came off. After less than an hour, the ward doctor came to me and said he was satisfied. She was breathing a bit difficult, but she was completely independent. I was allowed to go to her. She was groggy but awake and I found she knew I was there. I talked to her and held her hand. I spoke of progress and a road to recovery. I kissed her goodbye saying “see you tomorrow”
I got a call at half past midnight. I had to go to hospital immediately. Luckily a taxi was arranged for me and an hour later I arrived, afraid that I was already too late. I was not late. Far from it. My sweet girl fought, she resisted death a whopping eight times. Every time the doctors thought it had happened, she came back. She tinkled for a little over 18 hours. Unfortunately she had to give up that night at half past nine.
I am so incredibly proud of her, so honored to be her husband. Not a day goes by without me missing her. We had a beautiful wedding, she had a beautiful funeral. And it was a beautiful funeral. But due to the unfair actions of the funeral director, I now do not have a (beautiful) monument. Hence my plea.

Donations for those in the Netherlands and Belgium https://www.doneeractie.nl/grafmonument-voor-mijn-vrouw/-48631

Donations for those n other countries

https://www.gofundme.com/f/grafmonument-voor-mijn-vrouw

The end of an era, the start of…. I don’t know.

If you are a follower of this blog and are now reading this. <y hats off to you. Thank you for visiting even though I have been away for yours.

A lot has happened, but of that lot, the most important and impactful one was last October 15th thing that could possibly happen became reality. At half past 9 that evening, my lovely beautiful wife gave up her fight against (what we thin was) Neuroleptic Malgnam Syndrome. A very rare side effect of anti psychotics. She was 57 years and 15 days old. I will miss her forever.

Lijda and I have been married for 22 years and we have been together for 25. She was my light, my inspiration, my rock. Everything I did, Everything I was, it was all for her.

So.. now I have to find something to do and maybe bringing back my blog is one of the options. But where will I go with it. It has always been a thing that was as loose sand, hanging together by thoughts and ideas and ideals.I don’t know if this is still something I can do.

But that is for later. I just wanted to make this post so you know I am still around and might return to blogging. I know I know… I said before so I make no promises. But who knows what the future might bring.

much love

<p value="<amp-fit-text layout="fixed-height" min-font-size="6" max-font-size="72" height="80">MartinMartin

A little insight in the daily work of the LdH (Salvation Army nursing home

Dit artikel geeft een blik op het werk in het verpleeghuis waar Lijda momenteel verblijft

Translation of the article below. This article gives a little insight into the work involved at the nursing home where my wife is currently staying.

‘I do not give up!’

A MORNING IN THE BLINKERT

You have psychological problems, you take the means to get peace of mind, you get a physical complaint, you don’t have a safety net and voila: your further “career” is planned. With many residents of nursing home De Blinkert in Baarn, things have just turned out. We walk along with caring Dacill.

It is nine o’clock in the morning when people shuffle at the team post. Medicines are distributed and those who can still walk or drive there themselves. While a colleague is handing out the pills – anything and everything: antidepressants, withdrawals, methadone and especially soothing medication – Dacill (25) is starting her round. She is immediately arrested by Kees, who cannot get into his mobility scooter today due to acute muscle weakness. The occupational therapist must be involved; Dacill grabs her phone and in the meantime walks to the breakfast room. Vladimir is sitting at a table there. With his elegant hat and long gray beard, he appears to be an artist. He is from Amsterdam, but has been living in De Blinkert for a year and a half. Because of neuropathy he no longer has any feeling in his limbs, everything is difficult for him. “But I don’t give up,” he says combatively. Someday he wants to go back to Amsterdam. Marijke wants that too, who is sitting at a different table. Occasionally a growling sound comes from her throat. “She needs to be helped with everything,” says Dacill, rescuing an empty cup threatening to fall out of the shaking hands of Marijke.

She looks like a teacher

“Many people hope to live independently again someday, but for many De Blinkert is the ultimate place to live,” says Marianne manager later. “Every year about 25 of the 93 clients die. The average length of stay is two and a half years, but it also happens that people die three days after arrival. “De Blinkert is a unique facility in the Netherlands. There are people with the most complex problems, always a combination of psychiatric and somatic problems, an addiction and behavioral problems. Sometimes everything at once. They can’t go anywhere else. Elise passes by in the corridor for the tenth time in five minutes. She looks like a teacher, but has serious cognitive problems due to an addiction.

Fan of FC Utrecht

Dacill has found occupational therapist Linda in department De 7 Linden. They discuss how they can get Kees in his mobility scooter. If the “shelf” option falls, he looks worried. That didn’t go so well last time. While Linda goes looking for the hoist, Dacill cleans up his room a bit. Kees has been addicted for eighteen years, kicked off and relapsed. “I felt guilty, neglected myself.” He gets a little sad when he talks about it. When the hoist is there, his face brightens again. Two minutes later Kees floats between heaven and earth. No unpleasant experience. Dacill helps him with angelic patience when he is back in his coat and with stubborn buttons, switches and plugs of the scooter. Moments later, the FC Utrecht fan is satisfied.

“I always look at how I can do something extra for them”

Challenging

Dacill arrived at De Blinkert through an internship and holiday work. Now she works full-time and follows the training for nursing. She deliberately chose this complex but challenging target group because no two days are the same and the behavior of the clients is just as colorful. She likes being able to mean something to people who have often had a very tough life. “It is sometimes difficult to see how they fight against an addiction and then do not make it. But I do not take their sorrow home, there is no beginning. I always look at how I can do something extra for them. For example, Kees likes reading the Bible together. “

All family

In the meantime, she has put on a protective jacket and put on a mouth cap. She will take care of the very contagious wound of Leo, who in addition to all kinds of problems also has diabetes, which has cost him, among other things, his big toe. His room is full of photos of beautiful young people. “All family,” he says proudly. He has had open wounds on his foot for two years, which must be treated twice a day. He closely monitors Dacill’s performance, which remains undisturbed. When she has connected everything again, it is finally time for a cup of coffee. She finds a gift from her manager at the desk in the team post: Thank you for your efforts in the past year. Kees glides past in the corridor. “Are you back?” She calls after him. No, he had forgotten his cigar. For the tenth time that week.

For privacy reasons, the names of the clients mentioned in this article are not their real names

https://www.legerdesheils.nl/midden-nederland/ik-geef-niet-op

H(Cr)appy holidays

Hello my friends and followers

 

Here I am after a long time, wanting to give you all an update on my life.

as you know my wife is disabled, This started about 15 years ago and until about a year ago this was a stable situation. Although things didn’t improve, they didn’t go worse either. Well… that changed dramatically. Last winter and spring Lijda got more pain in places she never had them. Her joints mostly but also stomach and headaches. We kind of brushed it of as a flu type of thing and carried on as always. Then suddenly around June Lijda woke up one morning asking if I could help her to the toilet. I was unable, there was not a single muscle working in her body and most worrying of all, she was bloody hot and I am not talking looks.

So I called an ambulance. When they came and took her temperature it was close to 42c (107f), an actual life-threatening temperature. The paramedics did everything they could to bring her temperature down and when they got it a bit lower they rushed her with sirens and lights on to the hospital. After investigation on what was going on it proved that Lijda had a UTI (Urinary tract infection). She quickly got admitted and they started treatment (mainly antibiotics) and we expected that she would be back home after a week or two. Two weeks passed, a month, two months… Lijda was free of the infection for weeks but for some reason she did not regain her level of mobility back and we doubted she could live home on her own (well with me)  but after 2 months the doctors said ” she can go home tomorrow) ” Tomorrow”  was a Saturday and that day I very happy (but also concerned)  drove her out of the hospital and back home. It lasted 12 hours, until the next morning.

As usual, I woke up with a request from Lijda to help her to the toilet. It took me an hour, not to get her to the toilet, but to get her from her bed into her chair. She was a dead weight, nothing functioned…. so I called the ambulance again. Back to the hospital, we went, and after discussing with doctors and social workers it was concluded that, at least for the time being, living back home was not an option anymore.  She stayed in the hospital for another few weeks until a place was found with a nursing home run by the Salvation Army that was willing and had a place to take her in. The plan was to get her back into a place where returning home was an option. However, after a few months it became clear to them that this would not be an option and as per November 1, Lijda has become a permanent resident of the facility.

This place is about 16 miles away, I do not have a drivers license and only own a bike so every other day, weather permitting, I am on the bike driving to Lijda (a bicycle that is, not a motorized bike) and have been celebrating Christmas alone (except for a few visiting hours Christmas day) and New Year’s Eve I will be separated from her as well.

HOWEVER, Lijda is now in a place where she feels comfortable, at home and safe. She made new friends and is looking great. The fact that she is happy, is taken care for and doesn’t need to worry means the world to me. I will be looking for a new apartment closer to her and who knows, perhaps I can find time and inspiration again to do some blogging.

I hope your year was great and that next year will be awesome. All the best for 2019 and keep an eye on this space. I have done some photography during my bike rides and I might be sharing them soon with you all.

May your next year be filled with love, peace, family, and friends. May you thrive and shine. Let’s rock 2019

Every Day Heroes Special Edition – Giovanni Brignoni

Hi dear readers and friends. Long time no sees. I have not been able to ignite the posts in me that I want to share. As you might have seen I have been unhappy with the way our world is developing at the moment and I don’t want to be a doom writer. I want to be a blog about hope, love, and friendship. A blog about people helping this world and everything on it. Ironically, today’s blog is a bit of both.

Who is Mr. Giovanni Brignoni? He is a few things. First and foremost, Mr. Brignoni is a helicopter pilot in Puerto Rico. Secondly, Mr. Brignoni will be a symbol that stands for the people of Puerto Rico and those that are helping them. But let’s start with Mr. Brignoni.

Giovanni Brignoni

You know… I couldn’t tell you a thing, not a clue except for the little bit I have seen from a video I will link below as Facebook doesn’t allow me to embed. This is a video by David Begnaud. A CBS journalist who has been covering the events in Puerto Rico ever since the Hurricane devastated the islands. While Mr. Begnaud has been keeping P.R in the public eye, Mr. Brignoni has been flying all over, rescuing people with every flight in many ways. Please watch the following to get an emotional but honest report and you might understand why I choose Giovanni Brignoni to be “the face” of today’s Everyday Heroes

Click here to view on Facebook

I hope you agree that this man is a very shiny example of an Everyday Hero.

The People in Puerto Rico

Thos that lived there and fell victim as well as those that came and are helping the Islanders get back on their feet. Many people are working tirelessly to restore power and water, clean up beaches and town, clear taken down forests.  Nature has a habit to heal itself over time and I am sure that in that regard, in a few years Puerto Rico will be back to its former beauty.

I would like to show you a video made by Sigma 3 survival school about their efforts to provide the so much needed help

 

I want to conclude with a few mentions and requests.

My first mention must be Carmen Yulín Cruz. The Mayor of San Juan who has been a voice for the people of Puerto Rico and has done lots of work when others waited for “official help”. She has imo shown to be a true leader and the people of San Juan and Puerto Rico should be dang proud of her.

My second mention must be my dear friend Horty Rexach. A proud Boricua that lives in the USA and has kept Puerto Rico in the news with her blogs and FB activity. I can advise no better place to go and get to know Puerto Rico and how the situation evolves then by reading It is what it is by Dr.Rex 

Finally, I want to request you follow the above blog and David Begnaud and if you happen to feel generous please donate to a relief charity of your choosing. If you don’t know one you might try http://rickymartinfoundation.org/

Post-storm Puerto Rico …. “Still in Emergency/Survival Mode ….. 48 Days In …. “!!

It Is What It Is

~~November 7, 2017~~ 

HUMANITARIAN CRISIS IN PUERTO RICO

CBS 60 MINUTES OVERTIME

This past Sunday, November 5, CBS Television had a special segment detailing information about many Puerto Ricans, American citizens, have endured the longest blackout in American history following a direct hit from Hurricane María. I’ve been looking for this special on YouTube to share it with you.

The situation in Puerto Rico is still dire. 

It seems that the segment presented in the regular show isn’t available yet. I will keep looking and share it when I find it.

During my search, I found this 60 Minutes Overtime presented on November 05 by Brit McCandless Farmer.

Take a look, please!

HortyRex©

Forty-eight days today, after Hurricane María hit the island, ‘60 Minutes‘ found its citizens trying to make do without water or power – and frequently losing hope

Every day and night in San Juan, there are…

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IOTD …. “🖕🏽Image of the Day, Very Special Edition 🖕🏽 …. and a Short Video …. “!!

March with the flag of an enemy of the USA through the streets “free speech”
Flip off president “lose your job”

America…. really? WHAT the BLEEP

It Is What It Is

~~October 30, 2017~~ 

MAJORITY OF AMERICA

~HAD TO BE A WOMAN~

Hail to the chief: cyclist gives Drumpf the middle finger

The ‘so-called president’ of the United States is used to being saluted but a cyclist in Virginia put her own particular slant on the tradition on Saturday when she was overtaken by Drumpf’s motorcade.

The woman on her bike was photographed raising her middle finger when Drumpf’s vehicles passed her on their way out from the Drumpf National Golf Club on the banks of the Potomac river, on the outskirts of Washington DC.

She repeated the gesture when she caught up with the motorcade.

As noted in the White House pool report, “POTUS’s motorcade departed the Drumpf National Golf Club at 3:12 PM, passing two pedestrians, one of whom gave a thumbs-down sign.

Then it overtook a female cyclist, wearing a white top and cycling helmet, who responded by…

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Puerto Rico Update …. “🇵🇷 Today: 46th day after Hurricane Maria devastated the Island 🇵🇷 …. “!!

#PuertoRicanLivesMatter More than a month after the hurricane most of Puerto Rico is still without power, large areas are still without water. Follow it is what it is to stay informed.

It Is What It Is

~~November 5, 2017~~ 

FEELS LIKE AN ETERNITY

HURRICANE MARIA

Today is the 46th day after Hurricane María made landfall in Puerto Rico. As you know, Puerto Rico is a colony of the mighty imperialistic U.S. of A.

There’s no doubt that the ‘master’ has treated its colony without any regard to the well-beings of its ‘subjects’.

To this day, Puerto Ricans are deeply feeling the effects of this uninterested involvement and response.

Puerto Rico, like a Phoenix, will rise up and be better than it was before.

This is the Boricua spirit!

#YoNoMeQuito

Here’s a ‘gentle reminder’ of how things are in the Island.

HortyRex©

~~GRAPHICS SOURCE~~ 

Twitter Feeds

DISCLAIMER
I do not own these images.
No intention of taking credit.
HortyRex©

Puerto Rico 

Tweets by PuertoRicoPUR

attn:

Tweets by attn

SATURDAY, November 4, NUMBERS

I don’t trust the water availability numbers!

David Begnaud, CBS News Correspondent

Tweets by DavidBegnaud

View original post 4 more words

Puerto Rico …. “🏳️‍🌈 Memorial to Pulse Victims 🏳️‍🌈 …. Carmen Yulín Cruz, San Juan Mayor, Dedicated It …. “!!

This gallery contains 36 photos.

Originally posted on It Is What It Is:
~~July 7, 2016~~  UNVEILING OF LGBT MONUMENT BY: JEREMY WILLIAMS JULY 5, 2016 Puerto Rico has its first LGBT monument in the island’s history, which now is also a memorial to the victims of…