Lost and found and lost again

I have had a weird life. I have been taken from my mother. I have been brought to a children’s home, I have been with foster parents. I used to be bullied, and I used to take it. So… that all resulted in a fucked up little teen that had no idea what he was worth, who he was and what he was capable of.

And so I blew up. I got lost. I got lost in the world of weed, I got lost in the world of gambling. I got eventually lost on the streets.

I like the streets. I never felt the urge to “get square” and live in a home. I liked the freedom, the loneliness. I don’t really need people around me. In fact, most of the times I rather be alone.

But in the end I think my principles and morals took over and since I am actually pretty smart (or so they say) I decided that a change was in order around my 25^th birthday. And so I began to “socialize” {brrr} and lo and behold, I garnered some friends. Most of them where just “friends” but a few have become long time real friends.

This all happened around a few freezing cold years in a town where there was not enough shelter for all those sleeping outside. Long story short (you can find the long story on my blog) we founded a night shelter and I became a member of the board and I basically ran the nights. (in person, weeks on end, without free days lol)

It is there that I found my Purpose, my Light, my Goddess and Queen. And I didn’t see it.
It was by pure luck I heard her say she always would have liked to get a love letter. It must have been the weed that said to me “write”. But it was destiny that you agreed to try if we could fit together.
I was found

It took me a whole whopping two months before I decided that this was the girl I wanted to spend my life with. I asked her the first time when we were both tripping out on mushrooms, no joke. I had gone on my knees (I think, not sure if my knees where still attached to my body at that point) and said, and I remember this still as if it was yesterday “Lijda, I am in a trip but I am gonna ask you something. Now if we go to bed in a few and we wake up, remind me to ask again…. Will you marry me”. She said no

NAAAAH…. She said yes 😛 And she didn’t remind me the next morning because I woke up before her and was on my knees the moment she opened her eyes. I asked her if she remembered what I said the evening before and she nodded yes. I asked again “Will you marry me”. And sure enough the answer remained the same…. Yes.

It took exactly 3 years and 1 day before we actually got married, counting from the moment she read the initial letter. In those 3 years we didn’t have a single fight. She married in red, I was in white. The colors of our town. It was her dream wedding, it was the best day of her life and those are her words.

Of course, if you have a girlfriend, you can not let her stay in shelters or on the streets, I have standards you know. So we had managed to get of the streets and live the “normal” live. And all was good

For a few years that is. In hindsight it all started well before our marriage. Lijda got yellow eyes and the doctor suspected tuberculosis. But tests proved negative and the yellow eyes disappeared. Then, shortly after we got married, Lijda started getting pain while walking. At first we didn’t really pay attention but when it got worse we went to a doctor. Tests got done, nothing was found. Time went by, walking deteriorated and Lijda had to start using a wheelchair. Tests where done, things investigated, scans made… nothing was found.

Her condition stabilized at a certain point, still tests where done, still nothing found and Lijda said stop. No more tests it is what it is now, I deal with it. This went well for a good 10 years. We lived quite happy in our apartment, I took care of the daily stuff and helped Lijda with things like shower and toilet and twice a week a nurse came to help me a bit with that.

Then 2016 happened. One morning in March I tried to wake Lijda and she hardly responded. She was also very hot, and not in the good way. So I called an ambulance. After bringing her temp down Lijda was rushed to the hospital where they suspected a urinary tract infection and after 2 weeks of hospital care they gave the word that she could go home. Lijda and I both where like “excuse me, no she/I can’t”
She was send home anyways, this was a Saturday.

Next Sunday morning, Lijda woke up and had to go to the toilet. This was an exercise we normally do in about 5 minutes (to get her there). It took me almost one hour to even get her in her chair. There was no action in her legs or lower body whatsoever. So I called the ambulance again and the paramedics also got to the conclusion, she needs to be admitted again. That was the last time Lijda would be home with me.

We found a nursing home that had a spot and could take her. It has been our most difficult and heartbreaking decision. You don’t want to be apart but you know that being together is no longer an option. Thankfully the nursing home was excellent and only had one real drawback. It was 26km (little over 16 miles) away from me. And I don’t have a car… or even drivers license.

So I had to get on the bike or the train. Both would take me roughly the same amount of time and since one of the options doesn’t cost money…. On the bike I went. At least during spring, summer and most of fall. I had a beautiful route through a forest and a few tiny villages so it was no punishment.

4 years I did that drive. Every time I went there I saw Lijda’s face light up. Every meter on that bike was worth it. I would gladly have driven that 40 more years. People often say to me how they respect that I did that, how strong I was. To those I say thank you, but you are wrong. It is not strength or respect that had me drive there. When she lived there I had but one “job”… Loving her, being there for her. Letting her know that even we are apart, we are one. It is love that fueled my legs.

October 15^th, this all changed. I lost the one I love most. I am lost again.